Why AI Children Can't Replace the Real Thing
To my friends and colleagues outside of tech, I can almost see your visceral reaction and hear your one-word response to this title… DUH!
Before you leave! Some reminders…
Yes, the world is full of bad ideas.
Still, someone, somewhere will try it anyway (just because they can).
Someday, someone you know will consider seriously this option.
I want you to be equipped with the knowledge to pushback strongly.
A final disclaimer. I can empathize with the instinct. I know people (sane, high-IQ colleagues) that have tried to create virtual avatars of their dead parents to help with the grieving process. I imagine parents grieving the loss of a child will be even more inclined to fill a hole in their heart with something that keeps them connected.
At best, this will be a stop-gap solution that requires real healing. And I want to highlight the many, many deficiencies that an AI child will never be able to overcome.
First, the X post that sparked this article.
https://x.com/zxlava/status/1991869478976770260
I’m aware this sounds totally insane rn but I think AI children will be a much bigger deal than AI girlfriends
And my flippant response https://x.com/rickmanelius/status/1992692933896851742
Why stop at AI children? Wait until miniature AI child robots exist. And they are marketed/sold to parents who lost their children due to unforeseen tragedies. (and this will happen)
I’m actually proud of my attempt using AI to create the Tesla baby. I mean, it’s kinda cute… right?
But let’s start with giving the benefit of the doubt.
The Inevitability
Fact: AI is already being used as a substitute for human therapists and friendships.
This is not surprising. ChatGPT has gotten so good that interactions feel like a human is really there.
There are apps already out there (e.g. Friend) that let people have a persistent AI friend at the touch of a button (pendant). And finally, there are people willing to go as far as leaving their marriage if forced between a choice of their spouse vs their AI companion.
So this isn’t a theoretical possibility. We’re already here.
The Obvious Problem
You can’t replace flesh and blood with an agent (even one that’s a robot with a cute outfit). But that’s just the surface. The deeper issue is how many aspects of human evolution and transformation that an AI child simply cannot address.
The Physiological Transformation It Can’t Trigger
“Mom brain” is real. A mother’s brain literally restructures during pregnancy. Gray matter changes that predict maternal attachment. Hormonal cascades of oxytocin, estrogen, and progesterone rewire neural pathways in ways no screen interaction can trigger.
“Dad brain” is real too. Testosterone drops, brain structure changes, permanent neurobiological shifts occur. These aren’t metaphors. They’re measurable, lasting alterations to who you are at a cellular level.
And physical touch with your child releases bonding chemicals that shape both of you. An LLM cannot be held at 3am. It cannot trigger the biological responses that come from skin-to-skin contact with a crying infant. Nor will a crying LLM spike a mom’s maternal instinct to rush-to-protect it.
The Psychological Rite of Passage It Can’t Replicate
I learned a few words doing the research for this article. Here’s one: Matrescence. It’s defined as the psychological transition to motherhood, and it is a developmental stage as significant as adolescence. You become a fundamentally different person, not a better-connected version of your old self.
The difficulty is the transformation of taking care of a new, helpless infant. Sleepless nights, fears, and failures force growth that comfort cannot produce. You don’t become a parent by feeling parental emotions. You become one by being broken open and rebuilt through necessity.
There’s also the permanence of the decision. An AI Robot has a 30-day return policy. Kids are not like that. You’re all in the stakes of walking away are immense. Human identity reconstruction requires these irreversible decisions. But with an AI child, you have all sorts of outs when the going gets tough.
You can turn off an AI child. You can reset it. You can walk away. You cannot un-become a parent. That permanence is what creates the stakes, and the stakes are what force the growth.
When your child’s wellbeing genuinely depends on you becoming better, you become better. Simulated stakes produce simulated growth.
The Extended Family Dynamics It Can’t Create
A new child doesn’t just change one relationship, it changes them all.
When you have a child, your parents become grandparents. Their identity shifts too. Your siblings become aunts and uncles. New roles and relationships emerge across your entire family network, not because anyone chose them, but because a new person now exists who relates to everyone differently.
Intergenerational negotiations begin. Navigating different parenting styles, managing boundaries with in-laws, mediating between generations. All of these are experiences that do not happen otherwise.
Your place in the family lineage changes. You’re no longer just someone’s child. You’re a bridge between generations, carrying responsibility in both directions.
An AI child creates none of these dynamics. Your mother doesn’t become a grandmother. Your brother doesn’t become an uncle. The relational web that real parenthood generates simply doesn’t exist.
The Community Integration It Can’t Generate
Real parenthood plugs you into community structures. You join new social networks: schools, pediatricians, parent groups. Your status in community shifts as new responsibilities emerge. Think of the number of people your parents came into contact with solely because you existed.
The “village” activates around you. Support networks form (whether intentional or not): other parents who understand, neighbors who watch out, teachers who invest in your child’s future. I hate the quip “it takes a village”, but it’s the truth. A human being’s life is shaped by everyone around them.
An AI relationship cannot access any of this. There’s no PTA meeting for digital offspring. No playdates that become adult friendships. No shared stake with other families in the neighborhood school.
The Bidirectional Transformation It Can’t Produce
Real children develop in response to your parenting. Your choices shape an actual person: their confidence, their fears, their capacity for love. This isn’t simulation. It’s consequence with direct, real-time feedback. You become different, which causes them to become different, and on and on it goes.
Children surprise you in ways that force adaptation. Just last night I was putting my 5-year old to bed, and she had a vomit explosion. It took the entire family to rally together and scramble to fix the situation. Kids are full of daily surprises (big and small) that force you to think on your feet and play the hand your dealt.
My Closing Arguments
Many will still be tempted to try and build and use AI-children.
They should not be judged or faulted, but if they go into it without understanding these limitations, they are setting themselves up with false hope.
The emotional response may be real. Comfort has value, and I won’t tell anyone their coping mechanism is wrong.
But for those imagining AI children as a substitute path to parenthood’s rewards (e.g. the growth, the meaning, the place in something larger) will miss almost everything that makes parenthood transformative.
Parenthood is just a 1×1 experience to serve our emotional needs. It’s a multi-dimensional transformation that operates through embodied experience, hormonal changes, relational webs, and irreversible stakes. In short, it’s hard, but it’s supposed to be that way.
An AI child might offer comfort. It cannot offer transformation. And transformation is what parenthood actually is.
PS
I’ve been sitting on this article for two weeks and was about to give up on it. It lacks my normal amount of time and attention to get the spelling, grammar, and editing improved. And I chose to rely on Claude to get 2-3 of the sections written because I was having writers block. Future articles will be less sloppy, but I felt this one was important enough to ship in a timely fashion. Thank you.